| this is my box i keep by my bed and all the things thats are locked in my head |
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| lonely girl seeks lonely boy |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|01:01 pm] |
Im here, im waiting
have been waiting
dont make me wait forever
and you will be my everything
and i will be your always
and time its self will lie down
and be still for us
i was carved and moulded
to fit your embrace
have you missed this girl you never met
just hold my hand and we will run
and i will promise u my heart
and i'll count all your smiles
save them in a box in my mind
as each day passes my eyes glaze over
more and more fairy tale
more deadly expectants
this lonely girl
needs
her
lonely boy
please be real
please come soon
my heart is shrinking |
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| i wrote this for Serene |
[Jul. 18th, 2005|12:39 pm] |
Shes mourning this morning
her heart got bruised again
she says she cant take this pain alone
tries to cut out the evil memoires
so everything can b blank again
coz she has seen it all before
throught the eys ofa baby girl
missing her mothers kiss
she watched love tear people apart
her heart apart
so now she loves fast and deep
and temporary loves break her heart
but shes too scared to be alone
she needs a voice to says shes worth a dam
needs a soft hand to stop the rage
some to tell her shes loved
to help soothe the pain |
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| someday it might jus happen |
[Apr. 25th, 2005|05:33 pm] |
dont you look so sweet just there
your cheeks stained with red
scared just like a child afraid of his own heart
can i save you now coz i want you all for me
in spite of myself im spining i dont care if i fall
my head wont stay still and my heart is in my throat
now look what you have done
transformed into someone i didnt know i could be.
baby u make me feel so dumb and im not sure i like it
if i wasnt so scared right now i might clip my heels and run
but im stuck right here,
in front of a boy with his hands in his pockets and his heart on his sleave.
maybe you could be good for me
hell knows inside has been dead for so long
and maybe tomorrow il cry for u and maybe tomorow il run
but right now i cant move from here to there without you watching silently
my insides match my outside i crossed the road to dependance city.....
and tomrrow i could fly away unclipped wings and a changlings heart
but today your mine
now look what youve done |
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| (no subject) |
[Apr. 19th, 2005|04:33 pm] |
some times the sun just bursts throught the door
afterall it has been closed for so long
and with yesterday still ringing in your ears
you can place each frightend foot in front of the other
and walk into today
and the rest of ur life is jus waiting there
like the child yet to be born
where each new smile and look isnt shunned away
and makes u feel a lil more alive
come dance with me and we will be brave together
spinning in unashamed happiness
for all the pain that we have killed
no child im not saying we are perfect
or that we are immune to hurt
but the fear is gone
its behind us now
so bring on the tears the smiles and the love
coz you cant see the sun unless you go outside
and you cant get mad at what you dont get
if you never try
lets try |
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| jus thoughts really |
[Apr. 7th, 2005|05:11 pm] |
forever ago was yesterday
today, never to come
a land thats new and promising
a heart less squeezed and burnt
time arrived and carried me off
days were once a life time and hours dragged on for days
but now what would i give for extra time
for the motivation of a 12yr old
and the thoughts of a 20
i belong now, im not wrong
i fit into the hole that i made for myself
now warm now smiling
now unashamedly happy
and sadness is not scary
not afraid of hard corners
or nightmarish periods of shaking and tears
of uncontroable blood letting
trusting in myself
i wasnt meant to make it
im one of the lucky ones
this life could have been ended
this mind could have been gone
brought back from it all by nothing
and something
sadfe in the knowledge,
i know i was born
i know i will die
the in between is mine
i am mine |
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| dont know |
[Mar. 22nd, 2005|02:48 pm] |
it isnt that i dont love you
love just isnt an option |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 3rd, 2005|02:14 pm] |
push keep pushing
keep digging
break me
find me
hurt me
i dare u
be the brave one
the one who tries
i live off it
i feed off it
i need it
disect every lie
every wrong look
push me till i melt in ur hands
and im nothing
and im everything
and im yours
u have me |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|04:15 pm] |
truthful faces filled with lies
smoke screen clears
all is shown
run
run from darting eyes
paranoid and wide
run
kissing feet of my fallen angle
holding up so tall
destined to fall.
nothing is what it is.
wipe the dirty window
discover truth
all the same
all needing
wanting
praying, asking
clones of one deep battle scar
all destined for the same dark hidden ending
good night |
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| (no subject) |
[Mar. 2nd, 2005|04:08 pm] |
it itches and scrapes
take the edge of
just one release
one twisted smile
one shamefull look
the sky is falling
and your angles too.
hold on to this
hold on to you
hold on to nothing but air
invisible and empty.
close your eyes and dissapear
sleep for tired eyes
harsh truth to match harsh lies
and this is all we have
all we know
all that is |
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| oh jeez louise aisling |
[Mar. 1st, 2005|05:16 pm] |
my heart gets sore
and heavy
and hurt
my heart gets cold
from never being burnt
my body feels numb
no feelings attached
and nothign is simple anymore
and everythings hard
life flys by with the days and nights
its victims follow in a zombie like daze
and nothing is as it seems
everyone trapped in prisons they made
no connection
no skin on skin or soul to soul
paranoid eyes dart suspicious looks
ulterior motives underlying each word.
each smile.
when did life get cold?
when did it get dark?
have we forgotten? |
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| musings on music |
[Jan. 9th, 2005|06:25 pm] |
Musings on music
Music is my one great teacher, I mean that literally. Throughout our life we learn things through other people and the situations we find ourselves in with those people, we learn from them how to act and react, and in turn people learn from us.
One of the biggest learning periods in our life has got to be puberty, being a teenager after all it “a difficult age” or ages. We learn so much from our peers and our parents and all the people around us during that time even thought we don’t realise it at the time.
When I was 16 the people around me that I could talk to was cut drastically, and although just about every teenager feels alone at some point, it is part and parcel of being an angst ridden young person after all, I literally was alone for most of my time during the day.
I had very little friends and those I did have were friendships on a more basic level, they weren’t people I hung around with but people I would meet up with now and again to watch a movie or give them advice. My family was going through its own majors shit at the time and the big sister and brother that I was meant to learn from were lost in their own stuff, and rightly so, in short we all had are own amounts of shit going on to worry about the other people in our lives. ANYWAY.
Because of all this usual teenage drama I spent about 90% if not more, of the time I spent in the house in my room, which I shared with my 2sis. Headphones and my cd player were my best friends and the music I played gave me all the advice and love I needed.
Music taught me a whole manner of things, that mayb I wouldn’t have learned if I hadn’t spent so much time on my own. Today im known to my friends as someone who listens, and tries to give advice that suits the problem, sometimes I know more about a person than they realise mainly because I listen. Music has taught me, espicaly classical music, to listen. You see when someone tells us something we tend to pay attention to what they are saying more than how they are saying it, or how they look when they say it, too much attention is paid to what they are saying and not to the problem and feelings behind it. In classical music every last instrumental section has a vital part to play, the people listening aren’t always aware to all the detail, but it is there. When I played in the orchestra we used to try and stop playing…pretend that we were but take a secret break. A lot of times we were caught. Sometimes when we got some stupid boring part to play, we got sloppy and played it out of time or tune. And I remember our conductor telling us one day that we were all equally important. She told us that, if everyone decided their part was usless and stopped playing, the orchestra could have no one playing. If everyone but the tune decided they were bored then it wouldn’t sound very good. She made me realise that there is more to things than the tune…you know what I mean. When I hear music now I pick it to bits I focus on different things at different times and when I do that the song just sounds all the better. Anyone who has ever had me try and help them with problems will know this is what I do, I pull it to bits, I try and strip it to bits and see what it is made up of you know. This has always taught me the importance of little things.
Music has taught me how to put down in lyrics the feelings that are too painful to say, it has opened that door to me, and when it did everything just flooded out and before I knew it every poem I wrote had in it my pain and my feelings. Later it became less pain thankfully and more thoughts and feelings.
Being someone who has never been in love, music has showed me what it is like to be in love. When I hear some songs, the persons voice the way the words are put together…..you can just almost feel what they are.
It has taught me that your really never alone in the way you feel….. I used to be amazed when I heard certain songs because they were literally singing my thoughts. It also taught me that just because your alone doesn’t mean your lonely.
It hasn’t always taught me good things…..it also taught me how to rehash things. It tuahgt me at times how to wallow in my own self pity and block everyone else off. I trusted music and nothing else. But at the same time, when everything was caving in when I just wanted to disappear, it taught me to reach far far down into myself and pull myself back up, find my own hope, create my own advice, tell myself it would be ok. There were times I would cry and cry and cry and then a song or songs would come on, and by the end of it I would be smiling and saying “I know its gonna be ok”. In that way it saved my life on so many many occasions by helping me to cope with being on my own, helping me help myself. I know people can sound extremely corny when they say music saves lives but it does. I don’t know how or why but for different people in different ways it helps.
Music I guess is the big constant in my life. It has always been here, it will always be here. It never changes, or if it does it’s a growth that goes with me. I can always turn to music…its never too busy, it never “doesn’t know what to say”, it never feels awkward around me. Music has never hurt me and I know it never will, it never lies to me and everyday it helps me. More importantly it expects nothing and gives everything, I have never had to apoligise to it and it never judges me. I trust music because of this I trust it because I know its always gonna be there and it wont change. In some aspects its both my first love and my best friend, most of all its my greatest teacher and it carries on to teach and save my life on a daily basis.
Oe of the songs that have helped me on my merry way is this….although I have issues with this band and some of the things they say I love this song
Inside Us All
When I'm all alone
And no one else is there
Waiting by the phone
To remind me
I'm still here
When shadows paint the scenes
Where spotlights used to fall
And I'm left wondering
Is it really worth it all?
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be your friend
It will help you carry on In the end
There's a peace inside us all
Life can hold you down
When you're not looking up
Can't you hear the sound?
Hearts beating out loud
Although the names change
Inside we're all the same
Why can't we tear down these walls?
To show the scars we're covering
There's a peace
There's a peace inside us all
Let it be
Oh, let it be your friend? |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|08:02 pm] |
you need not need me
i am not gone
but here i stand as always
you do not need me the way you think.
i am meerly an ear,
a smile that can frown
when the pressure and pain drags it down.
oh beautiful light you are buried so deep
a burning vibrent growing child, now fallen fast asleep
lost in thoughts of back then adn now
of tomorrow, of never ever
and the other side of the rainbow.
stand tall brave light
do not doubt your strenght,
your steps cannot falter
you need no crutch
crtuches break
but i can be your smile
i can be an ear
and do what ears do,
listen, not wait to speak.
you need not fear, you need not need me
i did not leave |
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| (no subject) |
[Jan. 5th, 2005|07:49 pm] |
this title, my title
my name and my life
what lies behind the letters
what use is it for you
speak to me not my use
need me not my use
dont give me your laws
il break them each time,
dont restrict me
let me love you wild and free
let me care for you
in a time not sheduled
but in the warmth of my heart
as fickle as it is
timless friendship pver distant years
dont hold so tight there is nothin to fear
i as always am here |
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| i wrote this ages ago, thought i wud post it here |
[Nov. 22nd, 2004|07:16 pm] |
me and pandora
fabrications of this life
a new one born each blink
distorted pictures of a world
in a slide show past my eyes
shes sittin in the corner
eyes burn the back of my skull
her screams are silent and empty
her hopes sinking in the blood
she has drained
she would let u drink if u wanted her
but u dont
refusal to acknowledge that shes there
refusal to believe
she waits for the hard corners
to grab hold of me
and weigh me down to sink
she erases time and brings me back
my little monster i take with me to lifes school each day
she follows screaming, crying,
she trys to wish it all aways each night on that star she prays
and forever wont be spent alone when we are so bound
together we stare out on our world
does any one see it this way
does any one see us |
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| (no subject) |
[Sep. 15th, 2004|02:15 pm] |
| [ | wats in my heart |
| |  frustrated | ] |
I HAVE HAD WRITERS BLOCK ALL SUMMER! |
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| (no subject) |
[Aug. 26th, 2004|06:00 pm] |
oh beautiufl boy
oh boy in my head
ive painted you on the faces
of the souls who are dead
to me...to themselves
cradles i use
to bring me to life
if just for one night
oh wondeful boy
youve taken my heart
before it knew how to beat
and now i chase you throught
nights with no end
sleep with no dream
half hearted forver
to those souls il pretend
il whisper my love to ears that will listen
in hopes love will be retunrned
but my eyes search the night and the day time
your face in my heart always burns |
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| these two songs wont get out of my head! |
[Aug. 10th, 2004|06:35 pm] |
i love ths first one
Beauty queen of only eighteen
She had some trouble with herself
He was always there to help her
She always belonged to someone else
I drove for miles and miles
And wound up at your door
I've had you so many times but somehow
I want more
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
I know I tend to get so insecure
It doesn't matter anymore
It's not always rainbows and butterflies
It's compromise that moves us along
My heart is full and my door's always open
You can come anytime you want
I don't mind spending everyday
Out on your corner in the pouring rain, oh
Look for the girl with the broken smile
Ask her if she wants to stay awhile
And she will be loved
She will be loved
And She will be loved
And She will be loved
I know where you hide
Alone in your car
Know all of the things that make you who you are
I know that goodbye means nothing at all
Comes back and begs me to catch her every time she falls
Tap on my window knock on my door
I want to make you feel beautiful
broken
i wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph; I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away, you don't feel me, anymore
The worst is over now and we can breathe again
I wanna hold you high, you steal my pain away
There's so much left to learn, and no one left to fight
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm open
And I don't feel like I am strong enough
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
'Cause I'm broken when I'm lonesome
And I don't feel right when you're gone away
You've gone away
You don't feel me here anymore |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 30th, 2004|05:09 pm] |
it must make u smile
to have this leach
the girl that will never leave
the unconcious act of wipin you feet
the doormat is just glad your there
the blame cannot fall
on any one at all
but the child so adament
to feel
the walls you didnt break
i opened the door
but you walked out and shut it again
now undeserving i sit flower in hand
feedin it with my tears
for another one lost and more to come
oh powerfulness of u |
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| LAS IM SORRY AGAIN |
[Jul. 22nd, 2004|05:25 pm] |
things that are smiple turn out to be hard
im filled wiht frustration and doubt
this should be easy
we are so close
missunderstood statements
clouding our head
and hurting our ears
this should be easy
why is it hard
and exhausting for both
take away thought and boundries and pain
so we can smile and laugh again
wihtout eye to eye
wihtout face to face
things get confused and words get misplaced
with love such as this
this should not be a task
this friendship, so deep it has to last
it will last
this should easy why is it hard |
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| yawn |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|03:04 pm] |
il sleep for the wolrd has done with me
and the sun has sank to rest
stars veil the sky so dark adn vast
like little fames of hope
watching all yet seeing nothing
the night time is our friend
it cloaks each sleep in dreamful slumber
and from all fear defends
and as we turn in different bed
in different times and lands
for these hours that we rest
our life is in nights hands
and not untill each star falls
and the monn sings its good bye
will i wake with wide blue eyes to see a different sky |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|03:02 pm] |
everyday i am more jaded
not shinny and new but old
wise are the eyes that are bleeding
hiding all secrets untold |
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| us |
[Jul. 14th, 2004|02:59 pm] |
i need him, where is he
who is he
how.......where can i find him
his arms tightly round me
kissing my little shoulders
holding not a woman
but a child, little girl
small bundle fo emtotion
with a wide smile on her face
and light in her eyes
so happy and vibrant
reeking of thr life that was once
and the life that sits ahead of her....
her & him......us....us |
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| (no subject) |
[Jul. 7th, 2004|02:37 pm] |
i havent updated in a while coz i havent been writin i guess
so i decided to post one of my first fav poems
i eat my peas with hunney,
ive done it all my life
it makes the peas taste funny
but it keeps them on the knife
i think il post
"on the nig nang nong" later |
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| lyrics, ive replaced the he wiht she |
[Jun. 29th, 2004|06:03 pm] |
she likes to act like she's all grown up
she wanted to grow up to be a singer
But she never told anybody
she likes to spill all of her guts
On the top of a well stocked bar
And then swallow them bit by bit remembering every scar
As a valid reason for every drink
And a new found friend is a new reason to think
she likes to pretend that shes all sewn up
It makes for a much stronger case
But there is blood underneath that skin
That scar is not so easy to erase
she walks with a glass cane now
she's careful when holding his body up straight
Can't go outside when it's raining
Can't smash up that beautiful face
Another innocent boy just made his list
That self pity shit is just too hard too resist
And when we get home
you'll see that this part of her is now part of me
And its way too easy to fake this smile lead you on
Maybe I'm wrong but everyone gets bored once in awhile
you know i could post nearly every alkaline trio song to say how im feelin but......point is they are cool |
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| and they call me random! |
[Jun. 24th, 2004|06:32 pm] |
My dis-ease
beautiful horrible
laughable tears
my beautiful child
born in terror
my princess rapunzel
"hes horrible
beautiful
he eats dis-ease
and he like to be scratched
behind the ears"
(the last wee bit is out of "kingdom hospital the stephen king thing the rest i foudn scribbled in my diary) |
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| i wish i wrote this |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|06:43 pm] |
| [ | wats in my heart |
| |  hopeful | ] |
| [ | wats in my ears |
| | obv this song | ] |
this is called why not smile by REM
this is for all my lj buddies (wel the ones on here neways) that have been down for longer than they can rember despite smiles
The concrete broke your fall
To hear you speak of it
I'd have done anything
I would do anything
I feel like a cartoon brick wall
To hear you speak of it
You've been so sad
It makes me worry
Why not smile?
You've been sad for a while
Why not smile?
I would do anything
To hear you speak of it
Why not smile?
You've been sad for a while
You've been sad for a while |
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| jus a quote from a post |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|06:21 pm] |
| [ | wats in my heart |
| |  jealous | ] |
| [ | wats in my ears |
| | rem | ] |
melodrama queen take ur crown sit on ur thrown of attention
this is an rem song thats is jus pretty fittin for recent days
the apoligist
( readmore )
Thank you for being there for me
Thank you for listening, goodbye |
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| still in the lib |
[Jun. 10th, 2004|05:55 pm] |
| [ | wats in my heart |
| |  bored | ] |
| [ | wats in my ears |
| | rem at my most beautiful | ] |
You left your gone
the test for your heart
shows me i failed
this un-shething
this child
undeserving
i apoligise for all i am
and all i have done
i will kiss ur feet
i plea
green is not my colour
but im wearing it with pride
eyes locking history passes
all that i can hold in my head
you have flushed away so easy for you
well done
rose tinted glasses cover my eyes
memoires form themselves truth does not apply
the idea of you
you made me well
the first is always beautiful
i tore you up, made you dull
and now i am alone again
its you ,the dream, the thoguth, the possibility
i pushed you away and away you went
away |
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